208: Unlocking The Truth About Modern Masculinity (with Justin Baldoni)

Podcast Summary

• Encouraging Men to be More Open and Vulnerable: Actor Justin Baldoni uses his platform to help men redefine masculinity, communicate better with women, and lead healthier lives through vulnerability

  Justin Baldoni, an actor, filmmaker, and advocate for men's vulnerability, is using his platform to help men redefine their masculinity and communicate better with women. During the interview on Love Life, he shared his experiences working with both men and women, and the unique challenges and shifts that come with addressing each group. Baldoni's mission is to encourage men to be more open and vulnerable, which he believes would lead to healthier relationships and improved lives for men. His approach is particularly important as it comes from a man, making it relatable and impactful for his male audience.

• Understanding Men's Sensitivity: Men are sensitive beings who often hide their emotions and train themselves to be desensitized, highlighting the importance of open communication and recognizing their sensitivity

  Men are more sensitive than often perceived. Matthew, who grew up surrounded by women, shared his personal experience of always being chosen in relationships rather than doing the choosing due to fear of rejection. He was intrigued by the dynamics of gender and the assumptions made by women about men. In his work, he has delved deep into understanding men's behavior and motivations. One surprising finding he has discovered is that men are very sensitive, and they often train themselves to be desensitized to certain situations. A study he cites in his book "Man Enough" supports this, showing that men react more quickly emotionally to stimuli the first time but become desensitized with repeated exposure, while women remain sensitive. This biological difference highlights the importance of recognizing men's sensitivity and fostering open communication and understanding between genders.

• Men's emotional suppression harms women too: Societal norms lead men to suppress emotions, causing harm to women and contributing to their own emotional numbness. Understanding and addressing emotional experiences is crucial for both genders.

  Societal norms and expectations have led men to suppress their emotions and sensitivity, resulting in self-inflicted emotional numbness. This desensitization not only affects men but also contributes to the trauma and harm inflicted on women. The speaker, who wrote a book on the subject, was surprised by the number of women who reached out to him, expressing newfound compassion for men and understanding of how the patriarchal system harms both genders. Men and women both face unique challenges growing up, and the speaker shared an example of the embarrassment and bullying he experienced as a teenager, which started as young as his son's age. The conversation underscores the importance of acknowledging and addressing the emotional experiences and vulnerabilities of all genders.

• Shaping of Gender Roles from Early Age: Gender roles and expectations shape us early, leading to harmful comparisons and negative impacts on mental and emotional health. Celebrate differences and focus on genuine connections based on shared values and interests.

  Gender roles and expectations begin shaping us very early in life, often leading to boys policing other boys for not conforming to traditional masculine norms. This can start as young as preschool age and can impact us throughout our lives. These expectations are not just biological but also learned from parents and culture. It's essential to appreciate and celebrate differences rather than being antagonistic towards them. Boys should feel free to express themselves and wear their hair however they want. Men's obsession with physical appearance and trying to impress other men is rooted in a desire for power and control. Society, including women, perpetuates these expectations, leading men to compare themselves to other men in various ways, such as height, wealth, and muscles. It's crucial to recognize that these comparisons and expectations are harmful and can negatively impact mental and emotional health. Instead, we should focus on building genuine connections based on shared values and interests.

• Societal pressures and media influence our perception of good partners: Question attractions, understand origins, focus on individuals, avoid treating dating as an optimization game, and be aware of paralysis of choice and random reward theory in dating apps.

  Societal pressures and media influence can limit our perception of what makes a good partner, often leading us to prioritize superficial traits over deeper connections. It's essential to question our attractions and understand their origins, as they may be influenced by our past experiences and external factors. Dating should not be treated as an optimization game, but rather an opportunity to learn and grow. By challenging our preconceived notions of attraction and focusing on the individual, we can increase our chances of finding a meaningful and fulfilling relationship. The paralysis of choice and random reward theory in dating apps can make this process even more complicated, but being aware of these phenomena can help us navigate the complexities of modern dating.

• Brain's Excitement and Dopamine Rush in Dating Leads to Addiction: Recognize the addiction cycle in dating, take responsibility for personal growth, and avoid the harmful belief of seeking 'other half' in relationships.

  Our brains are wired for excitement and dopamine rushes when we're looking for a partner, whether it's in real life or through dating apps. This combination of decision paralysis and random rewards can lead to addiction and hinder us from finding a meaningful connection. The speaker suggests that men, in particular, often fail to do their own work and explore the root causes of their relationship issues. These issues may stem from past traumas or belief systems, rather than being the fault of the other person. The speaker warns against the harmful myth that we're looking for our "other half" in a relationship, as this can lead to using the other person to fill empty spaces within ourselves. Instead, we must enter relationships whole and take responsibility for our own growth and healing.

• Spiritual frauds and feminist fuck boys in urban areas: Be wary of insincere men using spirituality or feminism as a facade for manipulation. Prioritize genuine emotional growth and vulnerability in relationships.

  In today's superficial society, particularly in places like Los Angeles and New York, there exists a phenomenon of "spiritual frauds" or "feminist fuck boys." These men, who often possess attractive physical features or talents, have never had to truly work on developing genuine personalities or emotional vulnerability. They use this vulnerability as a facade to manipulate women, leading them on with promises of emotional depth only to reveal their true selves as insincere. This trend is concerning as it goes against the genuine desire women have for emotionally open and vulnerable partners. The ease of access to self-help resources and spiritual practices in urban areas can create a false sense of self-improvement, but without consistent effort and introspection, the progress made can be fleeting. Ultimately, it's crucial to be aware of this trend and to prioritize genuine emotional growth and vulnerability in relationships.

• The Challenges of Authentic Connection in a Superficial World: Despite technology's potential for connection, it can also hinder genuine relationships. To find authenticity, we must acknowledge our vulnerabilities and strive for deeper connections.

  While technology and social media can provide opportunities for connection, they can also create barriers to authentic and meaningful relationships. The pressure to conform to algorithms and superficial expectations can lead to a loss of genuine intention and connection. However, there is hope. By acknowledging our own flaws and vulnerabilities, and being willing to dig deep and connect in uncomfortable ways, we can find true connection and overcome the challenges of a superficial world. It's important to remember that we're all trying to find connection and love, and that even those who may seem to have it all are still human and have their own struggles. So let's keep striving for authenticity and connection, and not let technology get in the way of our hearts.

• Men carry traumas and insecurities too: Recognize that everyone, including men, has personal growth to work on, and strive for empathy, compassion, and respect in relationships.

  Everyone, including men with public platforms, carries their own traumas and insecurities, and it's essential to practice compassion and understanding towards each other's journeys. The speaker emphasizes that men are not inherently different or superior, and the only distinction lies in the willingness to acknowledge and work on personal growth. However, it's crucial not to expect perfection or to compare relationships to an idealized standard, as everyone is on their unique journey. Instead, we should strive for a balance between growth and acceptance, recognizing that no relationship will be entirely smooth sailing. The ultimate goal is to foster empathy, compassion, and respect in our interactions with others.

• Focus on self-discovery and improvement before seeking a relationship: Prioritize personal growth for healthier and more fulfilling connections, regardless of gender or societal norms.

  Before focusing on finding a partner, it's essential to focus on understanding oneself. Women may have a natural inclination towards empathy and compassion, but it doesn't guarantee they've done their personal growth work. Similarly, men may not display vulnerability openly, but they could still be working on themselves. The key is to prioritize self-discovery and self-improvement before seeking a relationship. This approach can lead to healthier and more fulfilling connections. Additionally, societal factors play a role in shaping how men and women communicate and connect, but these differences do not dictate one's readiness for a relationship or personal growth.

• Believe in your partner's potential: Evaluate partner's qualities, recognize self-worth struggles, and prioritize self-love to foster healthy relationships

  When it comes to relationships, it's essential to believe in the potential of your partner, just as you believe in the seed's ability to grow into a tree. You cannot know for certain where your partner is headed, but you can evaluate if they possess the qualities and characteristics you're interested in. Additionally, it's crucial to recognize that both men and women struggle with self-worth issues. To help others see their value, we often advise them to imagine the situation with their loved ones. If we wouldn't let our loved ones endure an unhealthy relationship, we shouldn't tolerate it for ourselves. The root cause of staying in unfulfilling relationships is often a lack of self-love.

• Self-awareness and self-love are essential for authentic activism and healthy relationships.: To foster genuine and fulfilling relationships and activism, focus on personal growth, self-awareness, and self-love.

  Self-activism and self-love are crucial components of authentic activism and healthy relationships. The speaker emphasizes that it's easier to love others than ourselves, and that true activism comes from within. Women, in particular, are often expected to believe in the potential of their partners, while men may evaluate potential based on their own needs and desires. The speaker encourages everyone to identify their passions and beliefs, and to focus on personal growth for genuine and fulfilling relationships. The missing ingredient in activism and relationships is self-awareness and self-love.

• Trust your intuition in relationships: Understand yourself to make informed decisions, trust inner voice, maintain communication, and share common values

  Recognizing and trusting your intuition is crucial when determining a potential partner's growth and compatibility. The speaker emphasizes that having a deep understanding of oneself is essential to make informed decisions in relationships. It's not about looking for specific warning signs or checking off a list of qualities, but rather trusting your inner voice and being confident in who you are. The speaker's personal experience shows that even when things seem uncertain or challenging, staying true to oneself and maintaining communication can lead to a successful and fulfilling relationship. Additionally, having a shared belief or value beyond oneself can help keep the relationship grounded during difficult times.

• Clarifying feelings in the desert: Effective communication and understanding are crucial for maintaining healthy relationships, avoiding language or actions that shut down partners, and rejecting the concept of 'emasculation' as an excuse for insecurities.

  Relationships require effort and can be challenging, but they are worth it when you find the right person. The speaker shares her personal experience of going to the desert to clarify her feelings, emphasizing that it's not easy to be with the right person, but it's supposed to be difficult. She advises women to approach conversations with their partners in a way that makes them more receptive to opening up, avoiding language or actions that might shut them down. She also clarifies that the concept of "emasculation" is not real and should not be used as an excuse for men's insecurities. Instead, effective communication and understanding are essential for resolving interpersonal conflicts.

• Effective communication during sensitive conversations: Approach conversations with love, understanding, and clear intention. Avoid having important talks when tired or exhausted. Invite vulnerability to create a safe space for both partners.

  Effective communication between partners, especially during sensitive conversations, can be challenging, especially when fueled by exhaustion or defensiveness. Men, in particular, may react defensively and shut down, making it difficult for their partners to be heard. It's essential to approach conversations with love, understanding, and a clear intention. Never have important conversations when tired or exhausted, and ensure both partners are in a good emotional state. Inviting and vulnerability are crucial components of effective communication, as they create an environment where both partners feel heard and understood. Remember, the goal is not to attack or criticize but to offer guidance and support. By approaching conversations with love, patience, and understanding, partners can build stronger, more resilient relationships.

• Focus on personal growth, not changing others: Instead of trying to change others, focus on personal growth and healing from the situation, even if it means leaving the relationship.

  You cannot change other people, and trying to do so can lead to frustration and a lack of closure. Instead, focus on inviting them to consider your perspective and work on your own personal growth. Preparing the "plate" with your truth in the best way possible is a form of closure, even if they don't accept it. Closure isn't always about getting an apology or explanation from the other person, but rather, learning to heal and move on from the situation. Ultimately, it's important to prioritize your own self-love and well-being, even if that means leaving the relationship.

• Teaching young boys about consent, respect, and embracing feminine qualities: Justin Schenck's latest book, 'Boys Will Be Human', emphasizes the importance of these lessons for boys and men to navigate relationships and heal from past experiences, based on his personal experiences and genuine passion.

  Self-awareness and understanding oneself are crucial in navigating relationships and healing from past experiences. Justin Schenck, the author of "Boys Will Be Human," emphasizes the importance of teaching young boys about consent, respect, and embracing feminine qualities to create safe spaces for everyone. His latest book, which has just been released in the UK, is a valuable resource for both boys and men to learn these essential life lessons. The depth and care put into Justin's work come from his personal experiences and genuine passion for making the world a safer place for all. I encourage everyone to grab a copy of "Boys Will Be Human" and join the Love Life Club for exclusive interviews and masterclasses with renowned relationship experts.

• Join the upcoming Love Life session on joinlovelife.com: Sign up for a free profile to join the Love Life community and ask questions about relationships during the live session

  There's an upcoming live session where you can ask your questions about relationships and other related topics. This session is being hosted on joinlovelife.com, and setting up a free profile is the first step to joining in. The community is currently buzzing with excitement for this event, so it's a great opportunity to learn and engage with others. Don't miss out - sign up now and get ready to participate in the next episode of Love Life.