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    244. Stop Carrying Other People’s Pain with Chloé Cooper Jones

    enSeptember 26, 2023
    How does 3rd Love revolutionize the bra industry?
    What solutions does Pampers offer for baby care?
    What is the concept of the "neutral room" in Jones's memoir?
    How does the podcast promote self-belief and resilience?
    Why is finding the right therapist important for personal growth?

    Podcast Summary

    • Revolutionizing industries with solutions to common problems3rd Love innovated bras with half cup sizes and virtual fitting room, while Pampers ensured skin health and leak-proof protection for babies.

      Both 3rd Love and Pampers offer solutions to common problems in their respective industries. 3rd Love revolutionized the bra industry with their half cup sizes and virtual fitting room, solving issues of comfort and size exclusivity. Pampers, on the other hand, provides gentle protective care for babies with their Swaddlers diapers and wipes, ensuring skin health and leak-proof protection. Chloe Cooper Jones, a professor, journalist, and author, discussed her concept of the "neutral room" in her memoir "Easy Beauty." This concept refers to a state of dissociation or detachment from the present moment, which many people, including the speaker, can relate to. Understanding the reasons behind this dissociation and finding ways to be more present can lead to meaningful connections and personal growth. Whether it's finding the perfect bra or learning to be more present in our lives, these companies and ideas offer solutions to common challenges.

    • Exploring the power and potential pitfalls of using a neutral room for managing pain and stressThe neutral room, a mental and sometimes physical space, can be a powerful tool for managing pain or stress, but it's important to recognize the threshold between using it as a means of growth and avoidance.

      The neutral room, a mental and sometimes physical space where one focuses on the present moment to manage pain or stress, can be a powerful tool for personal agency and peace. However, it can also become a place of avoidance or escape from responsibilities and social interactions. The speaker, Glenn, shares his personal experience of using a neutral room to manage chronic pain, while Abby relates her fear of being fully present and understood by others. They discuss how athletes also use this technique to focus on the present during intense physical activity. The discussion highlights the importance of recognizing the threshold between using the neutral room as a tool for growth and as a means of avoidance. The Beyonce concert example illustrates the potential for the neutral room to be a place of connection and joy when one is fully present in the moment with others.

    • Challenging preconceptions and finding connectionOur assumptions about others can create barriers to connection. Embrace the present moment and challenge preconceptions to find common ground.

      Our preconceived notions and assumptions about others can create a perceived divide between us, even in instances where connection is possible. This was a revelation for a visually disabled woman in her interaction with an athlete, as societal assumptions about their shared incompatibilities were challenged. The power of presence and radical connection was illustrated through the experience of attending a Beyoncé concert, where the performer's complete engagement with the audience generated an ocean of human joy. This experience served as a reminder to embrace the present moment and challenge our own preconceptions, allowing us to find common ground and connection with others.

    • Navigating social situations with self-awareness and empathyBe self-aware of biases and preconceived notions, find the right support system, and navigate social situations with understanding and empathy.

      Being fully present with others isn't always the best approach due to the biases and preconceived notions people may hold. Instead, being aware of these initial thoughts can help us navigate social situations more effectively. This advice, given by a mother to her child, is complex and nuanced, highlighting the importance of self-awareness and adaptability in social interactions. Additionally, finding the right person to share deep thoughts and feelings with, like a therapist, is crucial for personal growth and understanding. Alma, a platform that helps connect individuals with therapists, emphasizes the significance of finding the right fit, not just based on finances but also on compatibility and comfort. Overall, the discussion emphasizes the importance of self-awareness, finding the right support system, and navigating social situations with understanding and empathy.

    • Navigating the disconnect between exterior and interior selvesExploring the complexities of human identity, the author reflects on how her mother's illness led her to adopt defensive strategies, questioning ethical implications and seeking connection and joy in vulnerability, ultimately embracing authentic introspection and growth.

      Understanding and navigating the disconnect between our exterior and interior selves is a complex and universal human experience. The author shares how her mother's illness made her realize how others could strip her of agency and understanding, leading her to adopt a defensive strategy of playing into negative assumptions. This strategy, while effective, made her question the ethical implications of perpetuating these assumptions, especially for her son's sake. The author also explores the idea of finding connection and joy in the "withness" of others, despite the potential risks of vulnerability. Ultimately, the journey of recognizing and reconciling our perceived identities with our true selves involves authentic introspection and growth, and may include moments of failure and change over time.

    • Feelings of Disgust, Rejection, and Moral Superiority can hinder ConnectionRecognize feelings that hinder connection, challenge assumptions, and strive for inclusion. Everyone deserves to be seen and valued.

      Our desire to connect with others can be hindered by feelings of disgust, rejection, and a need to assert moral superiority, especially when we feel marginalized or excluded due to our physical or other perceived differences. These feelings can be deeply rooted and long-lasting, but they can also be overcome. The experience of seeing a dancer who values and includes a wide variety of bodies challenged the speaker's assumptions and ignited a desire to be present and valued. However, societal messages that exclude certain bodies can make it difficult to imagine a world where we truly belong. Becoming a parent can be a catalyst for moving past these painful feelings and modeling a life worth living for our children. It's important to remember that everyone deserves to be seen and valued for who they are, and it's never too late to strive for connection and inclusion.

    • Exploring the Productive vs. Avoidable Pain of RebellionRecognize when rebellion leads to growth and when it keeps us trapped, and learn to navigate the threshold between productive and avoidable pain for continued self-discovery and connection.

      Rebellion and struggle can be necessary steps in the process of self-discovery and growth, but it's important to recognize when these experiences are keeping us trapped and when they're helping us move forward. The speaker shares her personal experience of rebelling against the Catholic church and how it led her to a place of authenticity, but also acknowledges that this rebellion was still a part of the system she was trying to escape. She emphasizes the importance of forgiveness and understanding that change often comes with pain and struggle, but also the need to eventually move beyond rebellion and find a way to be free. The threshold between productive pain and avoidable pain is a lifelong project, and recognizing this threshold and learning to navigate it is essential for growth and connection.

    • Understanding and respecting others' dignityTo demand respect and recognition for our own dignity, we must extend the same to others, even in the face of their pain and hurt. Focusing on the true source of hurt can help us avoid internalizing others' negative perceptions and respond with compassion and understanding.

      The desire for human dignity and recognition as a whole person, which is essential for personal growth, requires extending the same respect and understanding to others. Chloe, the speaker, shares her experience of growing up with the belief that her disabled life lacked inherent value due to societal prejudices and narratives. She realized that to demand this recognition for herself, she must be able to give it to others, even in the face of their pain and hurt. Chloe's mother wisely advises her to focus on the true source of hurt in situations, which often lies with the person expressing the pain rather than herself. By recognizing this, she can avoid internalizing others' negative perceptions and instead respond with compassion and understanding. The book's narrative arc illustrates Chloe's progression from internalizing others' pain to learning to separate her worth from their hurtful words and actions.

    • Challenging our reactions to toxic behaviorsRecognize and challenge reactions to toxic behaviors, stay present, and don't let negative experiences define or consume us.

      It's important to recognize and challenge our own reactions to toxic behaviors and not allow them to control our emotions and actions. The speaker in the text discusses her experiences with anticipatory pain and preemptive defensiveness in response to toxic masculinity. She reflects on how she used to retreat or disengage in these situations, but now strives to remain present and free herself from the negative energy. It's a reminder that while rejection or negative experiences can be painful, it's crucial not to let them define us or consume our energy. Additionally, the text highlights the importance of being informed and prepared when navigating new environments or situations, much like how Homes.com provides comprehensive information to help make the home buying process easier.

    • Disgust and Desire: Shaping Our Perspectives and ExperiencesUnderstanding the complex relationship between disgust and desire can provide insights for personal growth. Recognizing and acknowledging these emotions can help navigate life's challenges.

      Our experiences and perceptions of disgust and desire are deeply connected. The things that disgust us often reflect our deepest insecurities and desires. Homes.com's collaboration tools make it easier to share and access home shopping information, but during the conversation, the topic shifted to personal experiences with disgust and desire. Chloe shared her struggles with anorexia and the desire for self-worth through work ethic. Abby discussed her own experiences with the link between jealousy, disgust, and desire. They both agreed that these emotions are intrinsically linked and can serve as guides for personal growth. The conversation also touched on the importance of recognizing and understanding these emotions to better navigate life's challenges. In essence, the discussion highlighted the complex relationship between disgust and desire and their role in shaping our perspectives and experiences.

    • Encouraging children to trust themselvesAllow children to navigate social situations and trust their abilities. Recognize the importance of getting out of the way and letting them live their own lives.

      Parents should trust their children's abilities to navigate social situations and allow them to be themselves, whether that means standing apart from the crowd or being fully engaged. The speaker shares her experience of encouraging her son's critical thinking and feeling a sense of connection with him by being separate from the crowd, but recognizes that this is not what she wants for him in the long run. Her husband reminds her that sometimes standing apart is an act of bravery, but other times it can be cowardice. They discuss the importance of getting out of the way and allowing children to trust themselves and live their own lives. The conversation highlights the challenges and rewards of parenting and the importance of trust, self-awareness, and letting go.

    • Supporting the 'We Can Do Hard Things' podcastHelp the show succeed by following, rating, reviewing, and sharing episodes for encouragement and community during life's challenges

      Supporting the "We Can Do Hard Things" podcast by following, rating, reviewing, and sharing episodes with others is crucial for the show's success. The hosts, Tish Melton and Brandi Carlile, express the importance of self-belief, self-acceptance, and the need to be known in the face of life's challenges. The lyrics from the podcast's theme song resonate with the message of resilience and the idea that we can all do hard things. The podcast is produced in partnership with Cadence 13 Studios. The hosts share their personal experiences of hitting rock bottom and coming out stronger, emphasizing that we are all capable of overcoming adversity. The podcast offers a sense of community and encouragement for listeners to keep going through life's ups and downs. So, if you've found value in the show, consider supporting it by following, rating, reviewing, and sharing episodes with others.

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