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    How to stop finding your self-worth through your job (w/ Gloria Chan Packer)

    en-usMay 08, 2023

    Podcast Summary

    • Realizing self-worth beyond workUnderstanding that work does not define personal worth can be challenging, but drawing boundaries, balancing ambition with self-care, and focusing on what truly matters in life can lead to improved mental wellness.

      Work should not define our self-worth entirely. Gloria Chan Packer, a mental wellness educator and TED speaker, shares her personal experience of realizing this when she was forced to take a leave from her job due to illness. She recounts how her husband's reaction made her see that there is more to her than her work. This episode of "How to Be a Better Human" will discuss the challenges of drawing boundaries at work, balancing ambition with self-care, and discovering what truly matters in life. Despite knowing intellectually that work performance does not equate to personal worth, it can be difficult to separate the two. Listen to this episode for valuable insights on this topic from Gloria Chan Packer.

    • Personal experiences of overworking and burnout in consultingSociety often teaches us to define self-worth through work, making it hard to prioritize mental health. Reflect on underlying reasons for attachment to work and overworking to build self-worth beyond careers.

      Many people's self-worth is deeply tied to their work, making it difficult to prioritize mental health. The speaker, a founder of a workplace mental wellness provider, shares her personal experience of overworking and burnout in consulting. She explains how her chronic migraines forced her to reevaluate her relationship with work and confront the fear of losing her sense of identity and safety. The speaker emphasizes that society often teaches us to define self-worth through work, making it challenging for individuals to separate their worth from their professional achievements. Her advice for those feeling reluctant to step back from work is to engage in self-reflection and self-work to understand the underlying reasons for the attachment to work and overworking. This process can help individuals build a stronger sense of self-worth beyond their careers.

    • Work is not your familyRecognize the unique aspects of work and personal relationships to maintain a healthy balance, avoiding the pitfalls of viewing work as a family and expecting unconditional love in return.

      Viewing work as a family can be unhealthy and lead to burnout, especially for those who had unhealthy family dynamics in their past. This perspective can create an expectation to give everything at work without getting the same level of unconditional love and support in return. The TED Talk "Work is not your family" resonated with many people because it highlighted the difference between these two types of relationships and the potential negative consequences of conflating them. It's essential to recognize the unique aspects of each and maintain a healthy balance. Work should provide us with autonomy, power, and a sense of accomplishment, while our personal relationships should offer love, support, and unconditional acceptance. By understanding the distinctions between these spheres, we can create a more balanced and fulfilling life.

    • Understanding the importance of setting boundaries in a blurred worldTo effectively set boundaries, identify and communicate your values and priorities, and remember that boundaries are unique to each individual.

      Boundaries have become increasingly important in our society due to the pandemic and the shift to remote work, which has blurred the lines between our personal and professional lives. Boundaries are essential for identifying and communicating our needs, but many of us struggle to put them into practice due to learned behaviors and complex personal patterns. The key to setting effective boundaries is to understand our values and priorities, and communicate them clearly. It's important to remember that boundaries are not one-size-fits-all, and we all have unique needs based on our individual circumstances. The pandemic has highlighted the importance of mental health and the need to prioritize our well-being, making the topic of boundaries more relevant than ever.

    • Understanding Personal BoundariesPersonal boundaries are individual, communicate needs, prevent burnout, not a control tool, challenging to set but essential for wellbeing.

      Boundaries are personal and should be tailored to individual priorities and seasons of life. They are not a way to control or demand behavior from others, but rather a means of communication about one's needs and consequences. Misconceptions about boundaries can lead to using them as a weapon or an excuse for poor behavior. Burnout often stems from feelings of powerlessness, and setting boundaries can provide a sense of control. However, it's important to remember that we cannot control others and that boundaries are not a free pass to behave unhealthily. Designing and implementing boundaries can be challenging, but they are essential for maintaining emotional and mental wellbeing.

    • Setting Boundaries for a Sustainable Work-Life BalanceIndividuals and organizations must prioritize setting boundaries and addressing personal needs to maintain a sustainable work-life balance and overall well-being.

      It's essential for individuals and organizations to collectively address needs and problem-solve for a sustainable work-life balance. Gloria Chan Packer emphasized the importance of personal accountability in setting boundaries, regardless of one's position in an organization. When leading, it can be challenging to balance responsibilities and set boundaries, but it's crucial for maintaining both personal and professional well-being. As a leader, it's important to remember that setting boundaries doesn't mean neglecting responsibilities; instead, it means prioritizing and delegating effectively. In contrast, when not in a leadership role, employees must communicate their needs and boundaries clearly to their superiors and work collaboratively to find solutions that benefit everyone. By fostering open communication and a collective focus on meeting needs, we can create healthier work environments and more fulfilling relationships. Additionally, the discussion touched on the importance of addressing personal health issues, such as allergies, to maintain overall well-being. Claritin D was mentioned as a solution for allergy sufferers, providing fast and powerful relief for symptoms. In summary, the key takeaway is that both individuals and organizations must prioritize setting boundaries and addressing personal needs to maintain a sustainable work-life balance and overall well-being.

    • Setting Boundaries is an ongoing processRegularly recalibrate work-life boundaries for balance and flexibility, view setting boundaries as an achievement rather than a failure.

      Setting boundaries, especially for leaders, can be a complex and ever-evolving process. Anticipating changes and adjusting workloads regularly can help create a more balanced work-life situation. Recalibrating boundaries frequently, rather than setting them in stone, allows for flexibility and adaptation to the changing demands of work and personal life. It's important to remember that the journey towards better work-life balance and behavioral change is not linear, and setting boundaries is an ongoing process. Additionally, reframing the mindset around setting boundaries as an achievement rather than a failure can help prevent feelings of burnout and discouragement.

    • Setting effective work hour boundaries and prioritizing needsDesign specific work hours, evaluate bandwidth, communicate authentically, and focus on impact to manage burnout and maintain work-life balance.

      Managing burnout and setting effective boundaries involves being flexible and realistic, understanding that there will be ups and downs, but ultimately trending towards healthier habits and growth. A key strategy is designing specific work hour boundaries that accommodate both professional and personal priorities. Another important tactic is evaluating bandwidth and priorities before committing to new projects or tasks. Communicating boundaries authentically, using clear language and focusing on the impact of not meeting those needs, can also be effective. Remember, setting boundaries can feel challenging, especially when it comes to asking for help or potentially risking your job, but it's essential for maintaining a healthy work-life balance.

    • Navigating boundaries and maintaining your jobGood leaders and managers want to know about problems to solve them. In industries without boundary support, making changes might be necessary. Building a healthier relationship with stress and burnout is essential, and recognizing and addressing personal emotions can help progress.

      Focusing on the impact of your actions on your work and organization can help you navigate boundaries and maintain your job, even when you're in a lower position. It's important to remember that good leaders and managers want to know about problems so they can be solved. However, in industries where boundaries are not supported, making a micro or macro change might be necessary. Eradicating burnout is not a realistic or desirable goal, as stress is a biologically wired human reflex. Instead, building a healthier and more sustainable relationship with stress and burnout is essential. Personal feelings of failure can hinder progress, so it's important to recognize and address these emotions to move forward and adapt to different seasons of life.

    • Recognize and Acknowledge Your WorthIt's important to acknowledge our accomplishments and prioritize self-care, even when feeling overwhelmed or burnt out. Remember, everyone's experiences and perspectives are different, and what works for others might not work for us right away. Ultimately, we all have worth, regardless of our accomplishments.

      It's essential to recognize and acknowledge our own worth and accomplishments, even when we feel overwhelmed or burnt out. Gloria Chan Thacker shared her personal struggles with feeling like she wasn't doing enough, but from an outside perspective, she's making a significant impact on others. It's crucial to remember that we don't have to do everything to be impressive or worthy. Instead, we should prioritize self-care and allow ourselves to do less while still being impressive to others. This can be challenging, especially for those who have a hard time applying advice to themselves. However, it's essential to remember that everyone's experiences and perspectives are different, and what works for others might not work for us right away. Ultimately, it's essential to remember that we all have worth, regardless of what we're accomplishing or not. So, take a step back, recognize your accomplishments, and prioritize self-care.

    • Exploring Brooks Running's Innovative Shoes and Sustainability EffortsBrooks Running offers high-quality shoes for various running styles with innovative technologies and commitment to sustainability. Their Ghost series is known for softness and responsiveness, while Adrenaline series provides support for overpronators. They use recycled materials and partner with TerraCycle to recycle old shoes.

      If you're looking for high-quality running shoes and gear, Brooks Running is a great place to start. During our discussion, we explored the various features and benefits of their products, from their innovative technologies to their commitment to sustainability. Brooks Running offers a wide range of shoes designed to cater to different running styles and preferences. Their Ghost series, for instance, is known for its soft and responsive feel, making it a popular choice among neutral runners. On the other hand, their Adrenaline series provides additional support for overpronators, ensuring a more stable and efficient running experience. Moreover, Brooks Running is dedicated to reducing its environmental impact through various initiatives. For example, they've introduced the Ghost 13 with 100% recycled materials in its upper, and they've also partnered with TerraCycle to recycle old running shoes. If you're interested in trying out Brooks Running shoes or learning more about their products and sustainability efforts, be sure to check out their website at brooksrunning.com. With a user-friendly interface and plenty of helpful resources, you're sure to find exactly what you're looking for. Plus, you can even take a virtual tour of their store to get a feel for their products before making a purchase. Happy running!

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    Codependummy Playlist #1: Part One

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    How can we learn from our favorite songs that resonate with our codependent ways?

     

    What can Olivia Rodrigo’s song “Favorite Crime” shed light on with our codependency?

     

    Welcome to The Codependummy Playlist: a new segment where I break down a song that is quintessentially codependent. In this week’s episode, I discuss “Favorite Crime” by Olivia Rodrigo. If you haven’t heard of her or her new album, you are welcome my dear codependummy. When I heard it, I thought “I’ve got to dissect this on the podcast.” Alas, here we are. This is the first of many episodes where I will take a song, break it down to highlight the codependency depicted in it, and help you stop making it an anthem but rather an “old song you used to like.” Here goes it girl! 

     

    Thanks for listening! 

     

    Be sure to follow me on instagram @therapywithmarissa

     

    Deets on the episode:

     

    Welcome The Codependummy Playlist! This is Part 1. In this new segment, I will: first, pick a song that I like that resonates with codependency; second, I will take said song and break it down and it’s quintessential codependent-ness; and third, I will try and find ways to help you stop resonating so much with this song since you aren’t being a codendummy but a codependiamond. T

     

    In this week’s episode, I analyze “Favorite Crime” by Olivia Rodrigo (please submit votes for what to call this segment: The Codependummy Anthem, The Codependummy Theme Song, or DJ Codependummy to marissa@codependummy.com).

     

    How are we defining codependency today? I define it as “a way of being where one prioritizes the feelings, wants, and needs of another in an unconscious attempt to fulfill their own feelings, wants and needs.” I also pull from David Malan, a British psychologist who defines dependence as “an intense need in relation to human beings.” From that, we can describe co-dependent as two individuals with an intense need in relation to each other. 

     

    “Favorite Crime” by Olivia Rodrigo: https://open.spotify.com/track/5JCoSi02qi3jJeHdZXMmR8?si=8af6da99ae424658

     

    I don’t have permission to play it so you will have to give it a listen now or after the episode. 

     

    Situation: the 14-month dating relationship I had at 21. I just discuss the first four months. The entire thing was brutal but I’m keeping it simple and discuss the first 1/3rd of the relationship. 

     

    Context: I interweave the psychological phenomena “compulsion to repeat” or “repetition compulsion.” According to Freud, this happens when a person repeats an event or its circumstances over and over again. For example, traumatic repetitions could be seen as the result of an attempt to retrospectively "master" the original trauma. It’s not conscious, not logical, irrational, and non-sense. 

     

    How did we meet? One-night stand! What comes up as I share the details?

     

    Let’s break the lyrics down and apply them to the relationship in a timeline: 

     

    “Know that I loved you so bad, I let you treat me like that. I was your willing accomplice honey.”

     

    I apparently lusted him so bad after just meeting him since I was, indeed, his willing accomplice in our break-in. I disappointed my roommates, disappointed myself, but, when he reached out, I engaged.

     

    I let him treat me poorly when we went to a house party and he grabbed my thong through my dress and snapped it. Ugh. We proceeded to hang out then go back to my place to have sex. No condom either. I’m sorry everyone. I let him treat me like that. 

     

    “The things I did, just so I could call you mine. The things you did.”

     

    The things I did: I went all out and dressed up as Lady Gaga to a rave! X’s on my breasts, goggles as sunglasses, and a black tutu.

     

    I tolerated him texting his ex-girlfriend the evening we were out at said rave.

     

    The things I did after that? With my blessing, I let him go visit her.

     

    “Crossed my heart as you crossed the line and I defended you to all my friends.”

     

    I am yours baby. I crossed my heart. “I feel so safe with you.”...safe? The interactions we had were familiar to me.

     

    I defended him. I defended the controversy he got himself caught up in, I defended him to the people who knew about the controversy, the fact that he didn’t know who he wanted to be with, and his jerk behavior. 

     

    I slept with someone else, so thus, I have no legs to stand on when it came to how he was treating me. 

     

    Do you know how you avoid the compulsion to repeat? Once you become conscious of what you are doing, even semi-conscious, you disengage. 

     

    I’ll share more on an upcoming episode how I set up boundaries, saw myself at a fork in the road where I could have chosen myself or chosen him--and I chose him. The healing comes when we see that fork and we choose ourselves. 

     

    www.codependummy.com 

    How to leave a rating and review: https://youtu.be/2tN1JS8Kz28  

    Want to work with me? Go to www.therapywithmarissa.com