Podcast Summary
Shift from seeing yourself as loved object to loving subject: Recognizing and challenging socialization of patriarchy can lead to confidence, power, and a life well-lived.
Understanding the difference between seeing yourself as the subject who does the loving versus the object that is supposed to be loved can be a transformative shift, especially for those socialized as women who have been taught to see themselves as receivers rather than actors. This concept, discussed in depth in a previous episode of Un Fuck Your Brain called "Loving versus Being Loved," can apply to various relationships and help break down the fundamental socialization of patriarchy that teaches men to act and women to receive. By recognizing and challenging this dynamic, individuals can gain confidence, feel more powerful, and live a life they won't regret.
A breakthrough in dating life after turning 40: Focusing on self-love and acceptance can lead to attracting a healthy and fulfilling relationship.
Understanding the foundational principles of love and relationships, especially during significant life milestones, can lead to profound personal growth. The speaker shares her personal experience of turning 40 and having a breakthrough in her dating life. She had planned to spend her birthday with a long-term partner, but he ended their relationship just before her birthday. Instead, she spent her birthday with her family and friends, and met someone new who eventually became her partner. This unexpected turn of events helped her realize that she had been focusing too much on being loved and not enough on loving herself. By focusing on the foundational principles of love and self-acceptance, she was able to attract a healthy and fulfilling relationship.
Unexpected love and support on a birthday: Growth and happiness can come from small, meaningful experiences and the love and support of others
The search for happiness or fulfillment often involves unexpected twists and turns. The speaker in this story believed she needed to spend her birthday alone to focus on self-growth, but instead received an outpouring of love and support from friends and family. This unexpected experience led her to realize that there was already an abundance of love in her life, and that adding a romantic partner would simply add to that love, rather than being the sole source of happiness. This realization allowed her to appreciate the love around her and build a meaningful relationship. It's important to remember that growth and happiness don't always come in grand, dramatic moments, but can also come from the steady accumulation of small, meaningful experiences.
Societal conditioning and relationships: Realizing that our feelings come from within ourselves, not from external validation, can help us understand our emotions better and challenge societal norms.
Our expectations and societal conditioning can significantly impact our experiences in relationships. The speaker shares her personal journey of realizing that she had been socialized to believe that being loved by a man would complete her, but in reality, her feelings come from within herself. Despite her understanding that her partner's love wouldn't create her feelings, she still found herself wondering why she didn't experience the same level of bliss that he did. Through self-reflection, she came to the realization that women are often conditioned to see themselves as objects of desire, and that this belief can hinder us from truly understanding and experiencing our own emotions. This insight can be valuable for anyone, whether in a relationship or not, as it encourages us to challenge societal norms and look inward to understand our own emotional experiences.
Understanding the importance of both partners' thoughts and feelings: Focus on both partner's thoughts and feelings towards each other for a deeper emotional connection and balanced relationship.
Focusing solely on our partner's actions or performances in a relationship to create our feelings of happiness or love can be limiting and unsatisfying. Instead, it's essential to recognize that both partners' thoughts and feelings towards each other play a significant role in the relationship's dynamics. The speaker realized that she had been focusing too much on how her partner showed his love for her and the positive thoughts she had about his actions. However, she wasn't thinking enough about him as an individual and his thoughts and feelings towards her. The speaker came to understand that her partner's happiness stemmed from his thoughts about her and his love for her, while her feelings were influenced by her thoughts about his love for her. To cultivate a more fulfilling and balanced relationship, it's crucial to make an effort to think about and appreciate our partner's thoughts and feelings towards us, not just their actions. By doing so, we can create a deeper emotional connection and foster a more reciprocal and satisfying relationship.
Socialization impacts how we perceive and value romantic relationships: Understand that socialization shapes our perception of relationships, leading us to focus on ourselves and partners' performances rather than their multidimensionality. Break free by focusing on appreciating partners for who they are beyond their actions or appearances.
Our socialization shapes how we perceive and value romantic relationships, leading us to focus on ourselves and our partners' performances rather than appreciating them as multidimensional individuals. Women are often taught that being loved validates their worth, causing them to evaluate relationships based on their partners' romantic gestures or actions. Men, on the other hand, are taught that their partners' conventional attractiveness reflects on their own value. This socialization can influence our thought processes, even when we're trying to practice thought work. To break free from these patterns, it's essential to shift our focus to appreciating our partners for who they are beyond their romantic actions or appearances.
Focus on individual traits, not societal expectations: True love comes from appreciating partners for who they are, not just fulfilling societal roles or validating ourselves
True love cannot be achieved by focusing solely on how our partners fulfill societal expectations or validate us. Instead, we must learn to appreciate and love our partners for who they are as individuals, focusing on the traits and characteristics that draw us to them. By shifting our mindset to prioritize our love for them, we can experience the blissful feelings we desire in a relationship. Society's constructs of love and validation should not dictate our feelings or actions towards our partners. Instead, let us focus on cultivating genuine love and appreciation for the unique individuals we are with.
Shift focus from partner's roles to authentic selves for deeper love: Focusing on partner's authentic self can lead to a more fulfilling relationship experience
Shifting our focus from loving our partners based on their performance of certain roles to loving them for who they truly are can lead to a more fulfilling and holistic relationship experience. It's important to remember that everyone's definition of love and relationship goals may differ, and it's okay not to constantly feel blissed out. However, if we want to explore that feeling, we can do so by focusing on loving our partners for their authentic selves rather than their roles. The Feminist Self Help Society, a community and classroom offered by the podcast, can provide additional resources and support in implementing these concepts for personal growth.
